AKCT - An alternative knife review By Outdoor Idiots

My Knife
Oh. Right. Well, they've asked me to do a quick article on my knife. They were sniggering at me when they asked, for some reason that I haven't worked out just yet. Fine, well, let's get straight on with a picture:

Yes, it's my much-loved Frosts Swedish Army Knife. As you can see, I like to keep some Duck Tape wrapped around the handle. It's been like that for years. I can't actually remember why I put it there, but I seem to remember thinking it was a very good idea at the time. Here it is in detail, so you can decide for yourself:

If you can think of the brilliant reason why I put it there, please remind me.

I keep reading a lot of rot about knives, both in books and on the Internet. One thing that really gets to me is all these pictures you see of perfectly polished, smooth blades. Well, all I can say is that those knives must never have been used or sharpened! People who look at my knife tell me I should treat it better and learn how to sharpen it properly. Rubbish. Anyway, here's the logo on the knife:

When sharpening a knife, it is inevitable that you will scratch the metal a bit. And since it's impossible to keep things steady, you will also create lumps and bumps near the edge. These things are nothing to be ashamed of. Most people's knives are boring. You shine a light at the blade, and all you see is smooth metal. They act like that's something to be proud of. More rubbish! When they get bored at night, they have nothing to do. When I get bored at night, I can shine lights onto my knife blade and look at the interesting patterns. One night, I was even able to use my knife blade like a disco ball, to entertain some curious sheep.

The blade of a knife and its uses are generally very misunderstood. Here is the truth:

There you can clearly see:

The Sharp Bit: This is the bit that can cut through things. It gets harder to cut through things as the knife gets older. Even sharpening it doesn't seem to help. I'm now at the stage where I need to carry a hammer to use with my knife. I need to hammer the back of the blade just to cut through paper. This is part of the natural ageing process of a knife.

The Twilight Zone: Knife manufacturers like to include this part of the blade just to confuse people. I used to try to work out what it was for, until I realised this is just part of the joke. Knife makers are renowned for their superior attitudes and their desire to make fun of the lesser people.

The Bottle Opener: This bit serves its purpose well. For best results, I always use Hoegaarden. In fact, I normally use Hoegaarden just before sharpening my knife.
Finally, there are certain charms to a well used knife. Some people see these as problems. These people are clearly not at ease with either themselves or the world around them. One of the charms is what I like to call "Brown Metal." I'm not quite sure what has caused this, but it adds to the character of the knife. The tip of my knife has also developed what I call "Hoegaarden Roll," which again, adds to the charm. Here are both of these features in detail:

Oh yes, the knife did come with a sheath, originally. I've probably still got it somewhere, but I haven't seen it for a while. A knife doesn't need a sheath. I like to carry mine with my teeth.